Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
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(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Me: hold on are you—
roommate who just painted a Bansky on our kitchen wall:
Me:—Bob Ross?
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
My dress code is business-casualty.
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
My daughter does this thing where she copies EVERYTHING the dog does; Bark, beg, fetch etc. It was adorable!
Until the dog humped the couch
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
can’t bark with your mouth full
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
-911 what’s your emergency?
-People are pronouncing it EX-presso.
In Germany Die Hard is called The Hard
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery
banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*
bank robber: *points gun* not that cool