Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
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Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
You pulled out in front of me.
Now you’re going slow.
I don’t like my car.
I will win this one.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
I pulled a hamstring and a pig fell from the ceiling and gave me a hug
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
A fox: People aren’t so bad. I hear they named a news station after us.
[Watches 1 minute of Hannity]
We attack the humans at dawn.
Doctors who give out lollipops really treat their patients
In hell, everything you have Googled in your lifetime will scroll across a jumbotron.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
me, minding my own business as a vegan:
someone: oK bUt If YoU wErE sTrAnDeD oN a DeSeRtEd IsLaNd aNd YoU hAd tO eAt mEaT tO sUrViVe
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
security at the airport getting more straightforward
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.