therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
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8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
This makes total sense…
“I shit you not”
– Yoda claiming dibs on the bathroom
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
This job fair has fewer giant turkey legs and sword fights than I thought it would
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?