Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
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Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
This kid will have a bright future.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
I wanna get on a taxi and after riding around a while without saying anything, tell the driver ‘I killed myself on that bridge 2 years ago’
I know it’s been discussed before but the shift of the McAllister family from a Pepsi to Coca-Cola household in Home Alone 1 to 2 is truly jarring. A family with no brand loyalty is not to be trusted.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
Taco Bell: You need to loosen up.
Stools: OK!
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Parenting Hack: Any dessert that can’t be split evenly between your kids is now yours.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Thou shall not throw shade, if though cannot throw hands.
Thuggalations: 17:28
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.