INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
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All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
My problem with the 15 minute city is what are you supposed to do with the rest of the day?
[slipping waiter a five dollar bill]
can you make sure my green beans and mac n cheese don’t touch on the plate
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
I noticed the trim on one of our garage doors was hanging weirdly. I figured no big deal as these are pretty old garage doors so I started to fix it…
5 yo: Mommy did that.
Me: Did what?
5 yo: She hit that with her car.
Me: Wow bro. Sold out your own mother.
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
You know you’re an adult when you’ve injured yourself sleeping
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
[reads chocoholic on tinder bio] Mmm I love chocolate, too
[reads workaholic] I work a lot as well
[reads catholic] I also am a cat addict
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Friend: “Hey, want me to get out my didgeridoo so I can play for you?”
I’d rather you didgerididn’t.
-Wouldn’t it be nice, if we changed who’s the center of attention every 10 minutes, everybody could benefit
-Sir, this is a funeral