*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
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me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Eggnostic is when you don’t know which came first, the chicken or the egg
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Peter Pan seems like a fun read until it’s an hour past bedtime and you’re trying to convince your kid that she always has to tell you before she leaves the house, even if it’s through the window in the middle of the night with a magical flying man
INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.
You know you’re sick when your girlfriend asks if you’re feeling okay instead of the usual eye roll after spitting up a lung.
ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying “you never called! Our son is 5 now” then walk away….always brightens my day
“Huge”.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?
ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
i was just introduced to a toddler name Frank.
i realize now that i didn’t mentally prepare myself for this possibility.
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.