I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
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The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
Some woman in this swimsuit department just said, “summer bodies are made in the winter” so I strangled her with my new beach wrap.
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
My 4yo brought his Woody doll to the store and was swinging it around. I told him loudly to stop hitting people with his Woody. Parenting.
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Boss: Did you get my email?
Me: Yes. It had italics, all-caps, and highlighting and I had no idea how to prioritize that information.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Siri, fight Alexa.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Went to the toilet once and a guy in the next cubicle said “alright, mate! What you up to there?” I replied “hey just having a shit”. An awkward pause followed before the guy in the next cubicle said “I’ll have to call you back, mate….” I hid in that cubicle for an hour.
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.