In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
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“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Only in America would they name a state after a bucket of fried chicken.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
For such a picky eater, I’m certainly not a picky weight gainer.
CNN: The alien invasion has begun
British person: I’ll put the kettle on
Truth or dare should be renamed to “interrogation or humiliation”
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Guys, I really think 50 Shades missed out on a really a big marketing slogan…
“CLIMAX IN IMAX”
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
just saw a preview of the upcoming commercial for Lady Doritos, yikes
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
[trying to do standup]
u kno whats funy–
[someone yells ‘society!’]
nno–
[entire audience starts laughig]
wait
[audience laughs louder]
stop
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.