cry laughing at this shit
You Might Also Like
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
it was love at first sight
If Barb wears leopard print to another funeral, I’m buying a dart gun.
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
I’m a mom of 2 boys. My hobbies include always wondering where that smell is coming from and if it’s safe to pick up that towel or sock on the floor.
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
I once told a guy that I knew he liked me when he went out of his way to help me move and he replied, “oh, no, I just helped you coz I’m a good friend.”
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED