I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
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I’m 35 and I’ve never been married.
At this point, if you ask me on a date, be prepared to tell me about your retirement benefits.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
This painting is titled:
Would It Hurt You To Put The Dirty Bowl In The Dishwasher?
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
More like Kermit *A* Frog, there are other frogs
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
normal people kissing:
•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the worldpeople with glasses kissing:
•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp
Thank God for that one person who gets on the elevator and takes charge.
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
so who’s the alpha in your relationship ?
me:
taco:
me:
taco:
me: he’s shy.
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
I unironically love this joke.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Shortcut
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]