Well played, super clean sliding glass door I thought I’d left open. Well played.
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Me: Hi. I can’t take your call right now but please leave a message.
CW: I’m standing right in front of yo…
Me: BEEEEEEEEEEEEP
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
[dentist]
receptionist: with copay that will be $15
me: here’s the teeth y’all pulled, just put it under a pillow and it should be taken care of
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I love all the Winter Olympic events, sliding downhill on a piece of wood, sliding downhill on 2 pieces of wood, sliding downhill IN a piece of wood. All amazing.
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
[seeing a gumball machine full of bees]
give me a quarter
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
(my very first day as President)
Alright folks here’s the deal, we’re gonna turn the volume of motorcycles down a skosh
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.