Me: [starts singing quietly to myself while doing dishes]
My 5-year-old, who regularly screams for no reason: Stop that
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FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Become ungovernable.
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
[learning to ride a motorcycle]
INSTRUCTOR: Again I need to ask whoever it is making the “vroom vroom” sounds with their mouth to knock it off.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Me: what’s the weather like?
Mom: just open the door and find out
Me: *opens cargo hatch and is sucked out of airplane* it’s
W
I
N
D
ᴰ
ʸ
ʸ
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My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
#Caturday
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
If I was a Transformer? I’d be called something like ‘Past-His Prime’ and i’d turn into a VCR
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I found your tweet-up…
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.