Rescued a Roomba from eBay and gave it a forever home.
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I’ll save you the trouble of testing my saliva swab. It’s mostly Oreo crumbs.
dont put all your eggs in one basket, put them in the little egg tray in the fridge thats what its for you idiot
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
There’s always that one guy
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
“I need help doing a resume.”
“What software do you want to use?”
“I hoped you’d tell me.”
“And where will you be applying?”
“I was gonna ask you.”
“And what’s your experience?”
“Whatever you think.”
“If you get the job will I be the one showing up? Because I’m busy weekdays.”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Me: now kiddo, what do we say when we accidentally knock someone’s drink over?
5y/o: (eyes downcast) “goddamnit”
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
I can’t believe I actually married the right person this time.
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
you stereotypes are all alike
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?