As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
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Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
Yankee Doodle went to town riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.