This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
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*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
Bringing them to the yard is easy
– bear traps will keep em’ there
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
[months ago]
Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.
Genie: And now we wait.
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
me as a teen: chapstick is stupid
me in my late 30’s: who the hell touched my recliner chapstick?!
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
*sewing*
A thread
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Give the gift of sarcasm to a child and receive it back tenfold.
Hey baby, just call me Uranium because I’m:
-Solid
-Highly dense
-Pale in color
-Flexible
-I’ll probably poison you if you hang around me too long.—me flirting with a chemist
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
[cloud watching]
GIRLFRIEND: That one looks like a ring.
ME: I think it looks like two people taking it slow despite the pregnancy.
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too