*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
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40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Jake from State Farm lives with us now, our house is full of khaki pants, he is making khaki pants for dinner.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house