I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
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Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
I’m not saying she’s a tease, I’m just saying she’s like a weather forecast for a beautiful weekend on a Wednesday…
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
When I was younger, I’d sit in class and think “Ugh, when am I ever going to need to know this stuff in the REAL world??” But then I grew up and discovered that I actually do have to play hot cross buns on the recorder like almost every day.
[Driving]
*Sees a McDonald’s*
*Thinks coffee*
*Also thinks Sausage Egg McMuffin Meal so that coffee doesn’t get lonely in my tummy*
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
saving face 👀
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.