things are looking up for me, a very eccentric russian guy and his wife who claim to be artists and live in the house they’re building by the lake just invited me to their very weird sounding housewarming party
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DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
God making Khaki
God: I want a material that can be dressed up or dressed down
Angel: Nice!
G: But it shows every pee drip
A: Hilarious!
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Zelda is the name of the PRINCESS, the guy in green who saves her is named Luigi, idiots.
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Turns out my get rich painfully slow scheme isn’t working out either.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
“I’m getting a vasectomy, orchestrated by my wife”
“You’re getting a vasectomy or your wife will do WHAT?”
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
How to change a baby:
1. Swap it out with a Labrador pup when no one’s looking
i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
some people try so hard to be anti technology “i don’t watch tv i watch the sunrise and my favorite director is god” can u calm down
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone