I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
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WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
I’ve been filming the couple next to me on this flight for the last 45 minutes hoping they’ll do something that could go viral. No good content so far (the woman looks very uncomfortable and the man keeps threatening to have me arrested)
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.
Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
starting a garage orchestra
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
Once she realized I was chatting her up, the Kohl’s girl immediately indicated the extent of her interest: “My dad wears shirts like that”
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
Interviewer: what the hell are you wearing??
Me: *dressed as grim reaper* : they said dress for the job you want, so…..
[interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Kidnapper.”
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
“I’m a pig rapper. I make farmyard hiphop.”
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes