Returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
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[interrogation]
“What do u do for a living?”
Jewel thief.
“Louder for the tape.”
[leans in]
Cool beef. I bring hot beef down in temperature.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
me the second I feel that first breeze of autumn
I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
3 reasons I’m not a hiker:
1. I don’t like sweating.
2. I don’t like getting lost.
3. I don’t like stumbling across human remains in shallow graves.
Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.
Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude