Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
11 days into a low carb detox and having fantasies of swimming in spaghetti wearing an Italian bread bikini
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
[job interview]
Interviewer: It says here that you are a blowfish. Would you care to expand?
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
Newborn babies implies there are oldborn babies and honestly that’s terrifying
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one