A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
You Might Also Like
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
When I see a driver go straight in a turn only lane
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
You can’t break me, kid. My generation survived dial-up AOL and texting on a flip phone.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Everybody’s getting Oreos with their Christmas cards this year.
Related: Don’t eat cookies while you’re licking envelopes.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
We all have our pet causes.
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.