You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
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*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
First person ever to clap: *starts smacking hands together*
People: Look at this idiot…we should do it too
Treat your woman like a princess. Spice up your relationship & have her kidnapped. Then do mushrooms & swim through the sewers to find her.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
KIDNAPPER: all of my demands are on the table
POLICE CAT: for now
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Thinking about this 37 year old baby from a flight safety brochure
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
Hub: You ready to go?
Me: In a minute, I’m beating the kids.
[Cut to me just decimating the kids at Mario Kart]
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what