I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
You Might Also Like
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
Bring multiple sets of clothes to work, change every hour, and act like nothing’s different.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Just hear me out, a blood oath, but with melted cheese.
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
RAPUNZEL: oh no I’m out of hair
JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur