The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
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One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Not all heroes wear capes…
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.
7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area