Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
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We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything weird
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
I’m going to start a Metal band and only sing about things that make me rage, like when a spatula gets stuck in a drawer and I can’t open it
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared