I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
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Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
I told this cashier she kinda looked like Lorde, and as I was walking out, heard the lady behind me assure her she did not look like Jesus.
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.