When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
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No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
It feels so good on a cold morning, a hoodie fresh from the dryer…
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
He’s dead
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Fact if it’s mother is trapped under a car, baby adrenaline gives a baby the super strength of eight babies. But that’s not enough babies!
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.