ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
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[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Noted.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me taking off all of my clothing before I weigh myself.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?