*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
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Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
Every television should come with the volume setting, “Eating Chips”.
I am convinced Americans are required by law to watch football. Ain’t no way this many people watch it all day long by choice
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
My father always told me “You can accomplish anything you set your mind to.” I must have set my mind to calories.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
I’m on a strict seafood diet where I cover everything in salt.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
TEACHER: can anyone tell me what ostracized means?
ME: *hand up*
TEACHER: again, it’s not a workout video for ostriches.
ME: *hand down*
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Wow, after that bathroom experience, this made me wish my sinus plugged up from allergies.