Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
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ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
SPLOOT
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
Dear diary,
Third date this week that went bad. The tablecloth trick is getting better though. Will try again on my date tomorrow night.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
Me: *nudges wife* Hey, are you sleeping?
Wife: *pumps shotgun*
*Takes drive down memory lane
*Gets a DUI
eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated