I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
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[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Can we take a moment to celebrate the little ride we get in the pneumatic chair at the hair salon or barber when they pump it up or down
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
Thinking about the time my toddler was looking at his pruny fingers after a bath and said ‘mommy they look like your forehead.’
My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
I alway get the same thing every year for Christmas. Fat
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Ma’am, I don’t know why they transferred you to this department, let me transfer you back to the number you first called 30 minutes ago.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z