Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
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[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
They’re on their honeymoon
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music
*limbos under the caution tape
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!
I wanted to go see the Queen reunion concert but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
girl on bumble: hey 🙂 ur cute but I noticed you didn’t include your height
me: yeah no need to add too much info!
girl: ok but how tall are you?
me: *struggling to type as I climb into my high chair* i don’t see why this is important
Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
There are 2 kinds of people in the world. Those who say head east for 3.5 miles, go north a mile, you’ll see it on the northwest corner. Then those who say go down to the Taco Bell, turn right, go straight past Bob’s funeral home, you’ll see an ancient live oak tree, turn there.