I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
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HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
I’m not superstitious, I’m just a bit stitious.
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
[Skype]
ME: Finally I see your face and wow.
HIM: [naked] Where are you?!
ME: Starbucks. Wanna meet a few friends? They like your tweets.
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
cop: could you please describe the man who tried to kill you
me: yeah he was not nice
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
My god she’s good.