Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
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actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
If I had a time machine I’d bring all the Home Depot skeletons I could find to the Victorian age and surround a village with them while they all slept
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
Dammit Chief not again
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT