[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
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Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
GIRL: what’s your sign
ME: [silently pointing up to the glowing Arbys logo in the distance]
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
what it’s like dating me:
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
“Mom! I made you a character in my video game!”
Me: “Cool! What am I doing?”
“You’re angry. I made it just like real life.”
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
My confession was so sinful the priest had to call for back up
No. He’s not coming out to play
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Dear Santa,
Please send gift cards. Your taste has gotten significantly worse in recent years.
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.