I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
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William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
Years ago I tried on my sister’s bra, couldn’t undo the clasp & was too embarrassed to ask for help. I’m still wearing it. I live in shame.
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
I had to explain to my 5yo that he’s not allowed to “kaboom” the baby
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
interviewer: why’d you leave your last job
me: i heard a loud noise
interviewer: wow what was it
me: my boss yelling get out you’re fired
fun fact: nike is short for nichael
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire