wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
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Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
TONIGHT ON HOUSE HUNTERS
*extremely Australian accent*
This here house is one of the most deadly in the world. Imma poke it with a stick
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.
why did we just collectively decide that fantasy worlds need to be populated solely by british, irish, scottish, welsh, new zealand, and australian accents? i want ethereal faires who sound like they were born and raised on a farm in tennessee
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Egyptians don’t walk like that.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?