I thought toddlers were the most energetic, obsessive, and relentless people on earth. And then someone got mad at me on Facebook.
You Might Also Like
You can’t take a purebred dog to the park the ducks will eat them
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
This day in history. 1963. The Beach Boys released “Be True to Your School” but I wasn’t taking orders from 5 guys who shared 1 surfboard.
Of course I care about the environment. I spray air freshener every time I leave the restroom don’t I?
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
My wife just sent me a text ” I just bought you the best Christmas present! xox :)” …..I hope she misspelled Xbox
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
WITCH (using her broom for just sweeping): did we give up our dreams?
WIZARD (using his pointy hat as a piping bag for cupcake icing): yes
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
Come back with a warrant
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook