*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
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why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[car wreck]
[hand reaches out]“Take my hand. I’m Chad Kroeger from the popular band Nickelback.”
[I let the flames slowly bake me alive]
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
[getting a checkup]
DOCTOR: On average, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: *sweating* NO ONE SAID THERE WOULD BE ANY MATH
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Feels like there should be a middle ground
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
My first child will be named New Folder.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
before u buy that mascara online ask urself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what