After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
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‘”I’m a healthy bacteria that aids in digestion”
– probiotic
“Ummm…. Pssssstt!! Dude… What’s a digestion?”
– amateur biotic
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
Your baby is cute but terrible at helping me move.
How Stella Got Her Goat Back #ReplaceAMovieTitleWithGoat
No, I’m not participating in movember, I’m just Italian.
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Words I thought I would never have to yell from the kitchen into the living room: “DON’T GIVE THE CAT SCOTCH!”
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
Name this drama.
some people have asked how long the park is closed when someone is eaten. i mean for the person eaten it’s closed forever haha… but for everyone else no closures
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I can’t get her off my mind, even the wind seems to whisper her name. Never fall in love with a girl named WHOOSHEE FFREWERRREFSHH.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Pandas 🐼🖤
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.