ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
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my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and i ate them because im a velociraptor disguised as a milkshake vendor lol owned
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
You’ve got some nerve
~my dogs, to anyone who walks by our window
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
Okay kids don’t ever talk to strangers or take candy from strangers or go to stranger’s houses except on the day we worship the devil.
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
EARTH: Let’s just be friends
MOON: Ok I understand [circles the earth for 4 billion years]
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
*yawning at an art museum*
“I already saw that on Tumblr.”
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
*burglar alarm goes off*
me (turns to the robber asleep beside me): honey it’s time to get up and go to work
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments