My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
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If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
me: can I get a hug?
bartender: *checking cocktail list*
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
People this one of the best days ever (next to the time with the guy in a van) @funTweeters is now following me- suck it Dane Cook
I get it. You don’t want to name your baby Mary or John or Sarah or Michael or any of these old, unoriginal names when you can give it one of these new, unoriginal names.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
[sees annoying coworker at store]
Him: Hey, what’s new?
Me: [gets right up in his face] Stuart, EVERYTHING in here is new.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters