I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
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Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
Me at 10 pm: lets brush my teeth so that I don’t eat unnecessarily
Me at 10.10 pm: dang it
Single and childfree like Jesus
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
Job interview:
“what would you say is your biggest achievement is to date”“I once wore a hat to bed and it was still on in the morning”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
me: [receives unexpected money] omg i can’t wait to finally get stuff i’ve wanted
my house: what’s this about extra money?
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
Waiter: May I recommend the steak?
Dracula: You may not
BETRAYAL
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?