The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
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[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
getting a key tattoo but getting it covered up with a doormat tattoo so no one ever finds it
Does refusing to workout count as resistance training?
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
Explaining Jewish things to non-Jewish people makes you sound like you’re losing your mind. My little brother is getting married soon & had his “aufruf” & I repeated the word six times before being asked by my friend if I was barking at them.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
God: your name is Owl.
Owl: who?
God: you. your name is Owl.
Owl: I know. I’m just kidding with ya.
God: ok then state your name.
Owl: your name lol.
God: [under breath] you’ve made a powerful enemy today.
Owl: who?
“As CEO of Tortoise Enterprises, this merger with Slug Corp is… Linda, where is everyone?”
“They all called to say they’re running late”
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I missed going to the gym today.
So that’s 20 years in a row now.
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
Software Development ⛵️
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*