America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
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When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
If I ever get the death penalty, I hope “by chocolate” is an option.
Guy I’m hooking up with: stop telling your friends about us
Me to my friends: anyway then he referred to us as “us”
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
[job interview]
employer: what skills do you possess that are helpful to the company
me: the skills that will make your other employees look brilliant
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
I’m good, thanks.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Flight attendant: “will you perform exit row duties in the event of an emergency?”
Me: “yes”
In my head: “No we’re all gonna die”
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.