Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
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Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
3: Dadda where’s my Paw Patrol costume?
Me: What? I don’t know
3: Dadda get up, go find it
Me: …..
3: …..
Me: Oh I see, you want ME to do the work for you?
3: YEAH! I want you to do da work!
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I bet a lot of guys who don’t think that rape is a big deal were super upset when that U2 album was put on their phone without consent.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—
7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
i asked my dad to send me a photo of his passport and he sent me a photo of the front of his closed passport
I like long walks away from everyone
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss