“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
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Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Someone asked for my advice today and I replied, “What would Jesus do?”
…and that’s how you get people to stop talking to you at work.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
today i’m firing on all cylinders if the number of cylinders I have is zero cylinders in total
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
I found my 6yo at the dining room table drawing a picture.
Me: “What are you drawing?”
6yo: “I’m making something for my sister.”
Me: “Awww, you are? That’s so nice. What is it?”
6yo: “A sign that says DON’T TOUCH MY STUFF.”
I figured it was too good to be true.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.