a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
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The Amazon delivery drivers in my area are shit but my neighbors sure do order some really cool stuff.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other’s tramp stamps.
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
6: *Being particularly affectionate at bedtime*. Mommy, do you want a back massage?
Me: Sure, buddy! My back is sore. That would be nice.
6: Maybe because you’re getting old, mommy.
In case you needed a reminder about how brutally honest kids can be.
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, sir. Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends. Are you gonna be there?
Jehovah’s Witness: Why yes-
Me: *slams door*
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Mistakes were made
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
guy who only knew jesus professionally: Honey, did you hear they CRUCIFIED our CARPENTER???
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space