[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
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Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I was shopping the Netherlands Amazon site and the shopping cart is called the “winklewagen” and now I can’t stop thinking about that.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
👾👾👾
I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I like to go hiking and by hiking I mean I like to stand in the woods while a moody soundtrack plays in my head and pretend I am a vengeful forest spirit
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Kermit goes Blue.
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom